Beginning

Procrastination is something that I've been trying to come to terms with over the past few years. As I said in my last post, I believe that starting later rather than earlier can be personally helpful for me, but procrastination is a different issue for me. In all honesty, I don't know what makes me put off starting projects. It's a completely irrational force; the same one that keeps you from getting out of bed in the morning even when you know that you have to. Your brain denies that the procrastination will carry negative consequences and keeps on doing what it's doing until eventually, the gravity of the situation outweighs the laziness.
When I was putting off writing this blog post a few minutes ago, I wasn't doing it because this was a particularly demanding or unpleasant assignment, it was because it was something that had to get done, and for some reason, those things always get placed on the back-burner in my brain. Even if I'd rather be writing this than watching SNL, my subconscious puts watching SNL on the top of the to-do list because it's not mandatory. Right now, I'm procrastinating by looking at a homework assignment that is due on Friday, simply because it isn't as urgent. Like I said, it's completely illogical.
Usually, when I'm procrastinating, I go through the list of websites that I like, and I start working when I'm done (or at least, that's what I tell myself). A lot of times, I'll be scrolling on Facebook thinking, "Yeah, I'm gonna start in a minute," when I get sidetracked again. About fifteen minutes later, the smart part of my brain says, "Who are you kidding? Microsoft Word/ Windows Movie Maker/ Blogger/ etc. isn't even open." And once I do open it, the dumb part of my brain says, "You've earned another break." The same pattern goes on for almost the entire project.
I have not yet found a way to effectively break this cycle. The only way for me to work continuously on a project is if I'm incredibly interested in what is happening, which varies in likelihood depending on what kind of project it is. I also think that procrastination varies from person to person, because some people are more determined than others to get the job done. I wish I were one of those people.

Fear

No matter what I am doing, fear is a significant component. It makes me put projects on pause indefinitely or stop them before they even start. It's unavoidable, and no matter how much I try to convince myself to push on through, the fear that I'm not capable of making something good is too crippling to overcome.
This is why I find it easier to write papers the night before. When I start a paper a few days ahead, then I have all the time in the world to make it perfect. As a perfectionist, I know that nothing that I write will meet my standards. I'll keep working on it and working on it, and eventually, I'll give up. If I finish at 11 pm the night before, I know that I can no longer do anything to make it better, while if I spend days working, I feel like there is always more to do. For some reason, there's more closure. Plus, getting a bad grade hurts a lot less if you weren't that attached to the project. I don't think this works with the arts, though. Making something bad is embarrassing. It's personal. You can't say that you didn't do well because you didn't like the assignment or you didn't try hard. There's no safety net. If you make something bad, it's your fault. Everybody will judge you, not just the teacher. In the arts, I find it so much better to be able to tweak and edit as much as you can, because even if it isn't perfect, you can try to make it close. I don't know if this is logical at all.
Right now, I am supposed to be editing my movie, and I haven't made any progress. When I try to understand why, there are so many reasons, and I think they all relate to each other. First, I'm afraid that we don't have enough usable footage. It could be shaky or blurry or overall weird. I'm worried that we don't have the shots that we need to make the movie make sense. Second, I'm afraid that this means that I didn't direct enough. I was kind of hands-off at times, and I don't want this to mean that the movie suffers. Third, I don't want to ruin it. Right now, I don't know what the finished product will be, but it's good in my mind. Once I see everything and work with it, I'm afraid that I'll make the finished product worse. Fourth, I'm afraid of everybody seeing it and judging me. This is pretty self-explanatory.
It's not that I don't think I'm creative, and it's not that I don't think I can write or direct or act, etc. It's that I don't have enough evidence that tells me that I have any genuine talent. No matter what, the quality of my work is a coincidence in my eyes. It's been three years in STAC and I still don't believe that I really belong here. The biggest fear, and this exists not only in art but in life, is that I'm only riding on my sister's coattails. I don't think there is anything that can make this fear go away,